Friday, May 20, 2011

stuff

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Cause what the hell

I am writing this pretty much for the people I don't know who would come read this blog. I think Danielle is the only one, in actuality, and maybe that's ok. I don't think I'm coming back here, except maybe to read up on how endearingly silly I've been over the course of my 20s.

Still, that being said I still do stuff. I still write. I still live... foolishly, and maybe being some kind of binary friend via social networking or some kind of penpal may be enjoyable.

As such I'm putting a couple links below so, now that the story of my early 20s has ended, that maybe you can check in on the epilogue now and again.

Literary blog (updated sporadically)
Facebook
Email

It's been (sur)real

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Updates and Echoes

I've been taking time away from this because I don't think it's as cathartic to document my life as it once was. I used to document everything because I'd tend to forget these moments in a growing haze of boozy wonderment that pervaded my evenings and so much seemed poignant about my life and I enjoyed my evolution as a writer and, let's face it, I was in my early 20's and everything seemed so much more important than it was.

Looking back, I see a lot of foolishness that I'm glad I didn't avoid, but hindsight being what it is I have to admit is still foolish. It's a wonder I'm not dead.

After 6 months of unemployment I landed an amazing job.

After a year and change of being hopelessly single I find myself in a terribly complicated but largely satisfying romantic connection, and I'm no longer concerned about old flames, new temptations, and the like.

After 3 years and change of living in the city I'm finding a way to stand on my own, admittedly shaky ground without feeling like I'm never having fun or will never get out of debt.

After a goddamn lifetime I feel like I can talk about the minimal things that bother me as they happen, and I'm no longer that really nice guy who nobody seems to know very well. I feel appreciated for the person that I am, and occupy a pretty necessary space in my friends' lives.

After 5 years I might have outgrown this blog.

This is an indefinite hiatus until I can find something worth writing about for this space. In the meantime keep up with my fiction at buzandbill.blogspot.com, or a new project roommate, R, will be contributing to with me. I'll put up pictures, I suppose, here and there.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Just Another Fucking Wednesday

I turned 25 last week.

The last couple months have easily been the most fun and the most complicated of my entire life.

Coming off of this, and cutting back on the drinking/going out, I am coming to the realization that while I may be gainfully employed soon, I will not be getting what I want anytime soon or possibly ever. It's cool. I'll be happy. Fuck, I am happier than I've been in a long time.

The concept of deserve is oftentimes ridiculous to me. Life is a goddamn crapshoot and it's seems a little presumptuous to say one deserves anything. That being said, though, I think I deserve better in certain aspects of my life. Every day recently I'm being reminded of how good of a man I've become, even if I don't often believe it. In the most recent conundrum I've come across where I'm getting passed over, I firmly believe that I'm better than all others involved.

Still, my new philosophy on life is that people will do whatever the fuck they want in the end. No amount of advice will really sway them when push comes to shove. The best way to handle life is to let the people do what they want, but always have a exit strategy out of trouble. In short: Let life happen, but cover your own ass.

...Let's face it, while I will adhere to this principle, at any given point I'm covering several other people and that isn't going to stop.

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Week That Killed Me

Last Sunday was karaoke and it ended late with E at fuck-all o'clock as it usually does when he's involved. It was a good time as it usually is when he's involved. I vaguely imagine that I stayed indoors on Monday, but this might very well be bullshit. I can't fucking remember what I did Monday and that's a first and it's a little scary.

Tuesday. A's, J's show. E brought us to the city. Drunkenness ensued. Went with my bartender, C, to St. Jerome's and there was some kind of ridiculous party, she got drunk, walked her around Stuy-Town until like 5am and it seemed as though she was attracted to me a great deal but fuck it, she was so goddamn drunk. At the bar she'd give me that damn look that means that she wants to be kissed. I love that look. I hate that look. I've always been a pretty awkward guy. That look fucking terrifies me more often than not, even if I know exactly what to do.

The last couple years have seen me kind of break from this hesitant, pussyfooting, knownothing that I've been since, well, always. I've done my best to try and get what I want, to write what I want, to make shit happen, and to be straightforward when I want to tell someone something (usually women). To date, there has only been one person that has broken this streak. I am now able to say things honestly to her, but that is going to get me into trouble. I have said all that needs to be said, and now, honestly, I just need to shut the fuck up.

But I digress. Wednesday was J's dj set and I stayed out too late yet again.

Thursday D came to town with one of his bands to play 2 shows. Went to that, a dj set by J, then back to the city to see E and get shitfaced on the Misery Mile +2.

Friday saw D play his second show, missed Prizzy Prizzy Please, sadly, and headed into the city to see C. Got shitfaced. Danced forever. A couple girls decided that they wanted to make out with me, but both were in complicated situations. I did not, surprisingly, with either of them, which, given the level of drunk and the kind of guy I usually am, is fucking inspiring. Stayed out way too late with E. Noticing a trend here?

Saturday I went to the Magic Tricks show, possibly the last one, as one of them might be jumping coasts. Walked across the river to the city. Drinks with J, E, and C. Later drinks with the younger J. Friends presumably dj'd at Arrow, but I think I got the night mixed up as we walked into the bar after a fight broke out and the cops had just left. Slept fitfully on the roof. Woke up with the sun.

Sunday: Spent awhile in bed just hanging out and realizing that my Saturday night would best have been spent indoors. Went to A's party for awhile and ran into roommate J. Good breakfast with J, A, and C. Took off early to head to the Prizzy show. Good to see those guys, and my friend H who is moving to the hood soon. Had to take C back to the train station and things started to go downhill. Complications, realizations, and something else that fits the rhyme scheme if you can think of anything. Went to karaoke tired and slightly angry, but not sure at who or what. Had a good time trying to cheer up and it was a lot of fun all things considered, but I probably should've gone right back to Brooklyn to see the Prizzy kids. A showed up, downed far too many drinks far too early, and then proceeded to lose it. Her friend, J, appeared to be helping her but apparently ditched. Think that guy's a fucking douche. I was leaving the bar, unaware that J had left, when A needs my help getting home. Fine, free cab ride across the river. Irritating as fuck because I'm goddamn sick of helping people out, but whatever, she's been very good to me and deserves it. She might hit on me constantly, she might get way too emotional about seemingly insignificant events, she might get strong feelings for any boy she goes on two dates with, and she might try to take home all of my friends. She's been there for me and understands that I'm not on top of the world right now. I owe her so much more than just taking her drunk ass home to sleep in her bathtub.

So my Sunday ended badly, more or less. I was having a fantastic time for the entire day until I realized that I can be worn down a lot easier than I thought. I realized that it's time to get my life back into shape. I've gotten myself into trouble recently and I'm not sure, given my lack of stoic resolve, apparently, if I can just let the sleeping dog lie. I want to be done with all of this, almost as much as I don't really want to be done with this at all. Let's hope I can make all this shit work.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Conundrums

The women interested in me in the past few months have been either attached, unattractive, or uninteresting.

The women in whom I've been interested in the past few months have been attached, emotionally unavailable, or uninterested.

I can almost guarantee that the second the uninterested ones start dating someone else that they will be all over me like a hobo on a ham sandwich. Betcha a dollar.

Aside from that, things are good. Have friends in town more or less for the rest of the summer. I'm terribly happy. I'm jobless and broke. I'm getting a lot done. My friends are fantastic, even if some of the ones with boyfriends do try to make out with me when drunk. Last night I got wasted and danced a great deal. I hadn't been so drunk in a long time, and it felt good.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

What it is.

Something that I've always realized but never quite accepted about a recent situation is that I'm not living in some cheesy '80's movie. I'm not John Cussack, and those situations are damning when played to the tune of reality. Do I think I'm the better man in this case? Yes, absolutely and without question. Am I still going to walk away from the whole thing? Yes, absolutely and without question. I am living an honest life, and I'm doing the right thing, and it sucks.

Funemployment continues, and while I'm actively looking for work it's slow-going trying to find a job with my salary requirements.

A bartender seems to like me a whole damn lot. I don't know if I'm really in a place to date anyone right now, but I'll try if I can and see where it goes. It will make someone a little jealous, but I don't think I can care and she has no right to be jealous at all.

E is back for the summer and life is good even though I seem to be hemorrhaging money. He simply manages to make life better all of the time, and has done remarkably well at cheering me up. My bartenders, even at bars we barely attend, have almost entirely stopped charging me except when hardly anybody is in attendance.

The last few months have seen me doing a lot of favors for people. I've cat-sat, moved someone on two separate occasions and another once, have put people up for the night that I had no business putting up due to the nature of our relationships, paid for a taxi for someone who only stayed at the destination for 5 minutes before leaving, dog-sat, and then some. Reflecting on this over Sunday I felt like a shit-heel and became suddenly bitter. I cheered up and got a girl's number. I talked to my friends. I sang a couple songs at karaoke. All was well and good with the world. My troubles are easy to forget. Out of sight, out of mind and all that nonsense.

I think I'm still hoping for an ideal resolution for everything right now when I know none is possible. Still, in the end I'm confident that I will be happy, less acquiescing, and vindicated. Things tend to work out for me that way.